If I ruled the world…

If I ruled the world, one of the very first things I would do is create a harem of beautiful men to serve me. They need not be slaves or property in the true sense of the word, just be available to meet my every whim (while scantily dressed – I am not above objectifying men). I have three men in mind to get the group started and I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce the first one to you now.

Yes, that’s right. Seth MacFarlane is one of my top three. If you have eyes in your head, you can see that Seth is rather nice to look at but that is hardly the reason he will be one of the first in my harem once I rule the world. There will be others that fill the role of eye candy so Seth must have a higher purpose and thankfully, he has some amazing skills that will make him a great addition to my collection.

Firstly, he appears to be rather intelligent. As I’ve never had an actual conversation with him, I can only base this assumption on the references he makes in his television shows and his jokes. I know he has a team of writers but surely, some of things he says are from his own brain. One of my favorite jokes was posted on his twitter account: “If a macaque gets dismembered, I guess you’d call it rhesus pieces.” That’s just damn funny, it has a reference to my second favorite candy of all time (for the record, my favorite candy is Sixlets), it has an old world monkey reference and fun word play. See what I mean? Dude is basically a genius.

Secondly, Seth is equal opportunity. From gays to various religions to the education system to the Hollywood elite to himself, Seth will make fun of anyone and everything. His jokes are spot on and only occasionally make me feel a bit guilty for laughing. A good example also comes from Seth’s twitter account: “The lyrics to “Call Me Maybe” sound like the prelude to a horrific date rape.” This joke gained a ton of attention for making light of an incredibly violent and horrific act but as Seth says, “there’s no hell; you’ll be fine.” So, feel free to laugh.

Third, Seth is a proud and vocal atheist. Personally, I don’t know what I believe. I definitely do not subscribe to some bullshit book of fairy tales that disapproves of haircuts and eating lobster but is perfectly okay with a father offering up his daughters to a mob. But in times of stress and sadness, I find myself talking to someone/thing, sometimes bargaining, sometimes just getting my headspace clear. And, generally speaking, I’m okay with people believing in and talking to a fairy or wizard or weird creepy dude living in the sky, if that’s their bag. I’m not okay with people using their fairy/wizard/creepy dude to keep others from doing whatever it is that makes their heart sing. The more people that proclaim their status as a disbeliever, the more voices of reason we have in matters of public policy. And that’s a good thing.

Fourth, the man can croon. Besides the jack ass songs featured in Family Guy, I had no idea Seth could actually belt out a tune until Wil Wheaton* mentioned it a few years ago. Naturally, I headed to Youtube to have a listen. You should check out this one, and this one and this one. And when you are finished with these, just do a search for Seth MacFarlane singing and spend the next few days in auditory bliss.

But all of that pales in comparison to the cherry on the top of the Welcome to the Harem sundae: Seth is a liberal! There is nothing I find more attractive in a man than his leftist political views. He has a remarkable platform and uses it well.  His views are represented regularly in his shows and he doesn’t feel the need to apologize when he offends someone with more delicate sensibilities. My favorite example of his personal views appeared in an article published by The Advocate regarding marriage equality: “…I thought to myself, Why is it that Johnny Spaghetti Stain in fucking Georgia can knock a woman up, legally be married to her, and then beat the shit out of her, but these two intelligent, sophisticated writers who have been together for 20 years can’t get married? It’s infuriating and idiotic.”

Now, before you think the pedestal I’ve created for Seth is too high, let me reassure you that I do find fault with him. I think he may have a drinking problem. I’m not saying it’s an alcohol drinking problem but he definitely imbibes beverages from a cup as some sort of crutch. If you have ever seen him on a talk show, you will know what I mean. I first noticed his incessant drinking when he was a panelist on Real Time with Bill Mayer. In lieu of jumping into the debate with the two conservatives, Seth spent most of the episode clinging to his cup like it was the only thing that would save him. At one point, Bill Mayer called him out for being a lame panelist. I expected much more from Seth in this type of discourse and I was sorely disappointed. Since that show, I’ve noticed Seth always has a cup and is constantly drinking from it when being interviewed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for hydration, but I think Seth drinks as often as his shows beat a joke to death. Which is every single time a joke is told, over and over and over and over again. Fortunately, his drinking is not a deal breaker for me. So, Seth, drink up and get ready to serve me some lightly frozen grapes while we watch the latest Katherine Heigl romcom.

Be sure to check out Seth hosting The Oscars tonight. I’m sure he will knock it out of the park and will look very dapper doing it.

*For the record, Wil Wheaton would definitively be on my harem list. He’s nerdy and a little awkward and pretty easy on the eyes. Plus, he starred in one of my favorite movies of all time, so I’ve kind of loved him my whole life. But, he’s married and while I’m okay with the idea of having a group of men be at my beck and call, I draw the line at home wrecking. See? I do have standards.

Photo credit: Awards Daily